I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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