Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
