But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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