Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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