I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
