God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
