Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
