Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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