in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
this hospital has no fireball
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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