how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Randomize
