The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
