Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
