Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
As shirtless as possible
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
