I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
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