Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
