I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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