I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
