Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
