i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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