fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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