You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
