She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
My ass is underappreciated
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
