next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
