If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Who died my cat blue again?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
