i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I think I won the penis lottery.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
