making cat noises will not fix the situation.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
