someone get that fucking seahorse.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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