i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
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