What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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