My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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