I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
