just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
