Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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