ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
