She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
