from now on my penis is your penis
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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