Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
