having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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