i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
