dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I'm always down for nudity.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
