I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I met the friendliest cop last night
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
