dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
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