My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
