my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
