Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
