god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
