i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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