This is not my ceiling
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
