What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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