I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
