and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
