I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
