Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
50% drunk capacity currently
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
