I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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