I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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