i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
