Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
