My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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