Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
